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tuesday's post ( 22may07 ) -
and yes, i am annoyed by you. maybe you didnt mean to do it but still, i am not sure how long can i torlerate with you disappearing every now and then. i am glad you appreciate that powerpoint done specially for you guys. at least now you know that we were always there but due to those we-dont'-know-what-reasons, you left. maybe its too late to do anything now cos i feel that i fell straight down to that cold hard ground when i tired to get you in. and i dont think that you actually really want to sit alone, but they are the ones who you wanna be with. thats it. goodbye. to whoever who reads this, i am sorry to say all this in such a harsh manner but i am really pissed(though i said no when you asked, today is a bad day; dont wanna see you cry anymore). and, in case you got the wrong idea: im not trying to chase you out or whatever, but i am just disheartened about those things that i see with my eyes today.
thursday's post ( 24may07 ) -
anyway. after reading your letter in the morning, whatever it is, that was what i thought. i dont think you need to explain or clear anything cos that is just you. and i am not gonna care if you are gonna run away or anything again, those are your legs. and yes, i do know that you knew them longer than you know us, you have a closer r/s with them as compared to us, but this is not the point my dear. it is not about "you have to stay close with us no matter what". you have your own circle of friends that you wanna be with too, and nobody, including me, can stop you from doing that. no one can. its about something else. if you dont get it, it doesnt matter; dont think about or ask around, it really doesnt matter already. just open your eyes and look out for those true good friends. the heart of wanting to get an A for that isnt by skipping your meals, it doesnt help at all. no matter what, skipping meals is just an unhealthy act; despite the fact that you dont feel like eating at all or you are rushing for something, you still at least have to get something down that throat of yours. stop being that unhealthy kid please. just eat something, will you?

i take back my words.
i thought you understood what this was but seems like nobody does. the above post wasnt meant to hurt anyone, thats all. and if you guys thought that i am still annoyed, i am not. just.. dont feel like talking; i'm getting anti.

time for some soul-searching and self-reflection.
goodbye.

oh, before saying goodbye. lunch with huiyi today (: and i miss her.
okay, goodbye for now.

--
looking back this first two term, mm. how time flies, really. looking at those young ones step up. looking at those changes among ourselves. looking at those improvements by the others. going through all those new system in school. conflicts in and out. breakdowns in and out. everything came and went, and those are the memories that we are gonna keep it with us.

myself. got to know many new people, but at the same time i guess i tend to forget some old ones. i think i've also became less sensitive, less observant, less supportive to many whom i used to hold on to dearly. backsliding. wake up siang ying! but. i guess i have no more energy to carry on. many seems to be wearing this mask that is covering their face and i cant see them, not anymore. i see the person, i see the mask; but not who they are. i dont like ugly yucky world. it feels as though me myself is wearing a mask to cover myself too, and i really think it is true. maybe, maybe not.

to my four dearest. sticking to you guys is like a habit, an addiction. there may be time when there is misunderstanding and everything bad but this one here seems like its the worst-ever all thanks to the timetable and classes now. it wasnt suppose to be progressing this way. to where we are heading to - nowhere. miss those time when we just sit there in the canteen, rotting, waiting, going crazy, playing with those left overs. you guys really made a difference in my life. and something that i wanna tell you guys again- You made me remember the good times when i could only remember the bad. You promised me a return of the peace i long ago had. You never left me alone when that was what i wrongly thought i needed. You never dwelt on my faults instead you pointed out when i had succeeded. You made me laugh when i felt i would cry. You made me live when i wished to die. if you actually remember about that, i copied this from there. everyday seem to be so small and insignificant that we hardly treasure the time when we were together. we hardly give each other the private talk time and attention that each of us need. we hardly spent time together when each school day ends. we just let everyday passed by with those horrible items that were weighing us down, barely alive to many that we love. and, seeing how this term ends with not seeing you guys on the last day. kinda sad. was looking forward for today to talk photos together again like those days but i only saw G today. she talked to me abt H, and no. i am not angry anymore. i am not. i just dont feel like talking. and dear, dont put on the smile if its difficult; just be yourself (: if you saw their blogs, they left my name out! *stares. alright, i hope you will read this, somehow. please do. seriously, i just dont feel like talking. those dates that we have marked out, i thought we could spent them together out but it seem so impossible now. really hope to be bonded again and not just let this hols bury us with those books. i miss you guys.

duties. thanks to kee, waiyin and amanda. i have been slacking and leaving them to do manymany stuff. and not forgetting sam, minlin, jill, limin, cheryl, another cheryl, anna, charlene sorry my darlings. but, they have been doing a real good job la (: messy accounts, taking turns with that green backet, buying socks, rushing for class, looking at that big group of people and getting headaches when its rainy day, saw that stare of hers. i guess these are what will be remebered when you look back at those time serving the db (: got to know you guys in a different manner, seeing you guys grow; i am proud of you :D keep that passion burning bright.

studies. time to buck up. results are bad. attitude of learning is bad too. this hols is gonna be important to catch up on many stuff; i hope i can do it.

walk with Him. she say i am not leaving until she give me the permission to. i have turned my back against Him, somehow, since manymany months ago. haven't been relying and trusting with His words. haven't been sharing my life with Him. haven't been singing wholeheartedly like how i used to be. maybe its time to return. some may think that i kept you totally out of my life but that isnt true i guess. just.. dont want to. dont ask why either.

lastly, thought for the end of these two months:
no one can do great things, only small thing with great love. - mother teresa

press on all, we will do it together.